Today the chief coroner released suicide statistics for the last year. I suppose that's how it goes - in birth and death, you become a statistic. But for most, the death part isn't a report that is publicised in the media. This report was unprecidented in its detail, particularly regarding methods of suicide. This time last year, I never would have imagined that this report would have any particular significance to me.
The media in this instance mostly discussed the suicide rates in earthquake stricken Christchurch, and the continuing high incidence of youth suicide.
Mum's is reflected in tiny numbers. One of two women in her age group. One of two who used methods described as 'other.' Always in life what I would have described as a quiet conservative radical, this obviously stands right to the end.
Discussing suicide is controversial. It has only been in the last year that statistics this details have been made public. There are restrictions on reporting suicide 'methods' for fear of copycats.
Most of what you can find on suicide is about youth. And a loss of youth to suicide is a terrible thing. But elder suicide is rarely discussed, rarely makes a statistical dent, yet can be very controversial in a different way. The report was released as it is felt it's time to re-evalute the role information plays in suicide prevention. Young people aren't supposed to die. But elder suicide is different, and more of an ethical minefield. Is it acceptable because they are elderly, or is it still selfish when they have loved ones they stand to hurt when they go? I would have described Mum as a Humanist, but even Humanist thought is a little conflicted, considering it a right to have autonomy, which might include deciding your time of departure, but then reminding us that, with suicide,other people are impacted, hence this may be a contradiction.
Our family found one of the difficult things about Mum's death was dealing with other people's expectations, other people's assumptions, and other people's reactions. Those who didn't know how she died were simply shocked she had. Some who did know were shocked how.
Which is why I wrote this and read it at Mum's funeral. [excerpts only]
Before Mum died, she was just carrying on life as normal. She had done her Friday shopping, including buying another four blocks for her retaining wall in her garden, she had done some ironing, written a cheque to send away to renew her NZ Herald subscription and sent me an email asking me a question. The spade in the garden, newly planted seedlings and a footprint in the soil suggest that gardening was the last activity Mum carried out before she left us.
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We believe that Mum carried out what is known in some circles as ‘rational suicide’ – a weighing up of the pros and cons, with death being the better option. Upon looking back at her life, she saw she had achieved everything she had set out to do, and more. She had been happy when she never believed it possible. A woman of her word, she had done her duty to her husband to the end of his life. Her children had been nurtured to adulthood, safe and successful and happy. She had become a grandmother and mother-in-law. In her own words “In 1972…I hardly dared hope that I would ever be a mother, let alone a Nana.”
Her moved to a retirement village resulted in her having, we believe, a disproportionate amount of contact with old ladies with dementia, old ladies who were blind, old ladies with walking frames who could go no further than the village lounge. We believe this, combined with memories and upsetting experiences of her own parents’ deteriorating health and suffering as a result, saw her looking forward to a future she didn’t want, and wanted to stop before she got to that place. [My husband] said to me, ‘But she was a strong independent woman!’ to which I replied, ‘Yes, but she wouldn’t always be.’ And we believe this frightened her more than death.
In the words of Mark Twain: “Lord save us all from old age and broken health and a hope tree that has lost the faculty of putting out blossoms."
We believe the choice to end her life was a final act of self determination. We believe that she wanted to end her time on earth at the moment she decided was right.
First century philosopher Lucius Annaeus Seneca said: "Just as I shall select my ship when I am about to go on a voyage, or my house when I propose to take a residence, so I shall choose my death when I am about to depart from life."
.. we understand such thinking about voluntary death is controversial and difficult to understand. But we are asking you to have faith that we have found peace, and do not believe Mum’s departure was a selfish act or a desperate act.
After a satisfying afternoon in the garden, Mum’s work was done.
If you are worried about yourself or a friend or family member who is depressed or anxious or may be having suicidal thoughts, please call someone who can help. If this is an older person, be sensitive to the fact that mental illness may carry socio-cultural baggage for them,and assure them that seeking help for mental health issues is as relevant as seeking help for physical issues.
Lifeline 0800 5222999
Local District Health Board Crisis phone numbers
Depression Helpline 0800 111 757
Depression in older people - Age Concern
