Still looking

While I was at university, I took advantage of having access to an academic library for my own self- development and exploration. There I discovered the writing of Tamsin Wilton, a lesbian academic from the UK. I had mostly read books written by and about Americans, so it was refreshing to read from a different cultural point of view. I enjoyed Ms Wilton's acerbic style, and wanted to seek out more of her books. Funnily enough, I cannot now find even the name the book I originally read of her's, and was also to find that getting hold of her other books was going to be no easy task. I managed to source two of her books in the UK via an obscure online seller.  

Finger-licking Good: The Ins and Outs of Lesbian Sex. 
1996.

Not as titillating as it sounds, this one was very political. It wasn't exactly what I was looking for, but interesting nonetheless.A book nearly twenty years old and written from a UK perspective was going to offer a view of a different world to twenty first century New Zealand. This book examined the patriarchal undermining of women's sexuality - both identities and activities - and how feminism and lesbianism intersected. Living in a world where people are increasingly choosing not to label themselves, the idea of the 'political lesbian' was an interesting one. One to read once, and I have since donated this one to The Charlotte Museum Trust.



Unexpected Pleasures: Leaving Heterosexuality for a Lesbian Life. 
2002
Always eager to read other people's stories, this was the book I really wanted to get my hands on. Ms Wilton did not write this book as an academic piece, but as a collection of stories supporting her own experience as someone who had lived a heterosexual life, and had not come out as a lesbian until her 30s. Of course there were many other stories I had read about the very same thing, but most were very old and very American. But one of the distinguishing features of Ms Wilton's point of view was that women make a choice. That it isn't necessarily a case of "Well, I always knew...but.." That they initially had enjoyable heterosexual relationships but later developed a lesbian identity.


I also stumbled across this one on Kindle. I was surprised that I hadn't found it earlier, but very glad I finally had.

Lesbian Epiphanies: Women coming out in later life. 
Karol L. Jensen, MPH, PhD. 
Routledge 1999

This book wasn't just about women's own stories, but also examined the society that kept them on the route of heteronormative marriage and family life. From the foreword by Paula Rust, 

"In great detail, she explores the ways in which females are socialized into ignoring their own experiences of self, particularly their own sexual desires, in favour of socially encouraged concepts of womanhood."

This book was important for me because of its exploration of many aspects of identity, and illustrates the power of our society's heterosexist and misogynist norms to shape our lives and experiences.


It seems a long time ago that I started searching for answers, but sometimes starting a journey of exploration throws up more questions than you thought to ask to begin with. I think we always seek to find validation in other people's experiences, because they make us feel less alone. It has been useful to absorb the stories of more women like me - like me not just because they were set on a journey of questioning their sexuality, but their whole identity. Its been good to discover that although it would be nice to look up a book or do an internet search to find an answer to my questions, that actually the journey is important. It teaches you things. It reinforces that you can't put people in boxes and that although we have things in common, that we are all individuals with our own paths to walk and discoveries to make.