Sacrifice

April and a close friend's wedding. Champagne flows. Just one sip.....? No...its not allowed.

Nothing is mine any more.

On my feet. Twelve hour days. An old man looks at me and says I should be at home. But there's work to do. I stride about in my purple top that coordinates with the staff uniforms. Its tiring...carrying around another three kilograms. 

Time goes so slow. I am so tired. Then he is here. He slithers out of my body and I am stunned that he fitted IN THERE. Being stunned doesn't last long. Oh my lord, the pain. My mother looks worried, and exclaims to the midwife... please..give her something... 

Soon.Soon.

So tired. And there is no turning back. Every few hours he's awake and hungry. I love him more than anything, but I am so so tired. And I feel so very intensely that I've gotten myself onto a ride that I cannot ever get off.

Days fill with worry. Care. Research. Questions. I need to get this right. There are no second chances. 

He throws up the blood from the cracked nipple he's lacerated, but he's alright. He needs me and he tells me. Crying and crying. Up and down the hall. Pace pace pace. Sing along to the song on the TV at midnight. The Queen of my Heart. 

My heart will never be the same.

What should he eat?

What should he drink?

What should he wear?

What should he play with?

What should I read to him?

As he grows he needs more. Days are spent finding out where we should go next. 

Days of good food. Singing. Walks to kindy. Hearty dinner. A snuggle with warm milk to say goodnight. So so tired.

Five is looming. What to choose? Do we need to move? Where is best?

Reading. Looking. Talking. Reading. Writing. Growth.

There are two. And soon there are three. Bills to pay. No job means no money. No power. No food. And that won't do, so My Keepsakes and Such are sold to make sure it is warm this winter.

The job I love is too hard on everyone. So it is my job that has to go. The job I love more than any other and grieve for now, years later. But there's a new one that works better for Everyone. There is no money though. Because that is spent looking after Number Four.

Emails, interviews. Will they be the right one? What can I trust other than my heart?

Organise. Pay. Work. Collect. Soothe. Listen. Cook. Feed. Snuggle. Wash. Listen. Think.

Nights alone with everyone. Because dreams are coming true. Everything is perfect. For some of us, anyway. Its the price to pay.

Organise. Pay. Work. Collect, Soothe. Listen. Cook. Feed. Snuggle. Wash. Listen. Think.

Alone.

Years have passed and I have nothing on the outside world. The world has moved on.

My darlings are everything and I am nothing. My heart. My time. My mind. Twelve years means everything to my darlings. Nothing to the outside world.

But sorry about having to go out of your way to

Collect

him.

The sacrifices we make for our children.

Oranges, apples and vibrators.

Did that get your attention? Yeah...probably. Because a woman making remarks about something to do with her sexual pleasure is kind of...shocking.

And that is more what this is about than anything I personally am doing.

Many years ago a couple of friends and I would laugh about going to a sex shop on K-Road. One day the two of them actually did. One of my friends was almost obsessed with carrying out what almost amounted to a dare.

Bear in mind that we were 'good Christian girls.' Sex and sexuality beyond its reproductive potential was rarely discussed, other than the widely accepted idea that it was fun, and that was ok, but it was only fun to have with your husband. The idea of sex toys in sex shops was taboo, and the idea of actually walking into one of these shops bordered on scandalous.

In recent times, I have learned more and more about patriarchal policing of women's sexuality. On a very basic level, of course, we have the slut vs stud mentality. Men are supposed to sow their wild oats, but women are supposed to be careful and discreet.

Lesbians are a threat to men's sexual superiority because...well...it means women don't need men to have a good time.

Sexuality was draped in shrouds of secrecy, and shame unless it was conducted within a certain set of rules (and I use the word 'conducted' rather than 'expressed' on purpose.)

As for self pleasuring? Well...that was the on-ramp for the highway to hell.

I don't really know if I was explicitly taught these things, or if they were somehow ideas that I absorbed from people around me, but they were there nevertheless.

For the most part, I have moved on from those days, where my sexuality was something I did, not something I felt. I started acknowledging myself as a sexual being, and as a woman.

I have moved away the idea that women independently exploring their sexuality without commitment is a source of shame.

Then I came across the opportunity to put independent, sexually liberated woman to the test. In Countdown.

Yup. In a chain supermarket.

Where I found this little beauty. The Durex Delight Vibrating Bullet.

I don't know if you've checked out the price of vibrators lately, but a quick glance puts them in the hundreds-of-dollars price range. I'm sure they are long lasting and great quality, but its not a price point that appeals to the first time consumer, to people on low incomes, or to people who still have those old hangovers about the sex shop on K-Road.

This post has two points. One was that I decided to make a stand for women's sexual pleasure, and carry that goddamn vibrator up to the (self) checkout at my local supermarket.

The second is that we have moved along as a society to the point that it was there in the first place. You can now buy a reasonably priced sex toy at your local supermarket. You can throw it in your trolley as you stroll down the aisle with the paracetamol and nappies.

I am willing to bet that there are lots of women out there who still carry the baggage of shame around their own pleasure, and are too self-conscious to engage with an 'adult shop' to buy a sex toy.

But if you can chuck your $35 vibrator into your basket with your bread and milk, then maybe you might just give it a go.