No world for old men

I need to explain to you why I asked you to leave my house last week.

I am continually challenged, upset and even puzzled about your attitude and behaviour.

I sent you back to Dad's after you exhibited a host of behaviours that are not ok in my household.

The continued poking at your sister, the critique of the food she had prepared,the continual talking over people and refusal to have a conversation but rather just talk louder so your voice is the only one being heard, and a refusal to wash dishes after your sister and I had prepped the meal runs the gamut from frustrating to totally unacceptable.

I think you are very confused about what love means. Love means a lot of boring shit a lot of the time. It's not sunshine and rainbows and holidays and expensive concerts.

Love has relational reciprocity. This does not mean it has conditions attached, but it does mean that I am more inclined to gift a concert ticket to someone who plans a birthday dinner or clears dishes without being asked than someone who tries to wear me down in negotiations over a basic instruction.

It's calling you out when you are being loud, so that your future partner isn't continually talked over.

It's rostering you to wash dishes, so that you will be a good guest when you visit friends and relatives.

It's trying to find the right combination of recreational screen time that doesn't invade time and space with family, so that you can practice your interpersonal and self management skills.

It's racing to parent teacher interviews even though you aren't there.

It's talking to social workers, counsellors, school leaders and lawyers about how I can nurture you through difficult emotions even when you refuse to come to my home.

Women my age are sick of men thinking we owe them something. We are sick of men talking over us. We are sick of men thinking they can discuss our appearance or ability as if we are not present.

Women my age do not want our sons to turn out like their fathers and their grandfathers.

And furthermore, we do not want our daughters being their victims.

You can bet your life that women my age are prepping their daughters for the battle of their lives. It was a battle we couldn't win, but we know the MO now, and our girls will be prepared.

So, if you would prefer to be on the right side of social change, I suggest you man up. And that doesn't mean man up to be the tough guy. It means man up and kick toxic masculinity to the curb.

Don't expect women to serve you.

Don't expect women to be ok with your loudness and constant commentary.
Don't expect women to exist to entertain you.

You are expected to participate in all parts of society, not wait for a woman to do the shit parts for you.

It's actually not much to ask.

As a woman of this age, I will always - always - love you. You might not believe it, but the love I have is the boring, timeless type. You don't have to do anything to deserve it, but nor do I have to do spectacular things to prove it. I just do boring shit and think about you every day.

You will always be loved and always be welcomed in my household. Even by women you have disrespected in the past. We all do better when we know better.

If you have no respect for me and that is going to spill over into your behaviour, know that that behaviour will not be welcome.

If you think that you get a hard time visiting a woman led household, then boy, you are in for a shock when you end up in a woman led world.

Just stop and listen and learn. You will find more peace that way.

A mother's love

My eight year old son sleeps in the top bunk in a bedroom that he shares with his brothers. They only share it for a couple of nights a month, but its big enough to hold three beds and one or other or all of them is occupied for sixteen nights a month. 

I climb up on the first step of my smallest son's bunk ladder and give him a big hug and kiss before I turn the light out and wish him a good nights sleep, along with a 'Love you' and a kiss blown from the door.

The other night I said - for no particular reason, and in a contemplative fashion - "You know...my Mum never ever told me she loved me. But I always knew she did." "Really?" he said, incredulously. "Really," I said. "People say they love you in lots of ways. With things like cooking you dinner or making sure your clothes get washed." He smiled.

When I left my marriage I was totally burned out by parenting. All the social messages I received about mothering were about constant attentiveness, always being actively engaged, always listening. But contrary to this, I found myself withdrawing more and feeling resentful and restless.

Over the last few years, I have found my parenting style challenged by other people. Sometimes directly, sometimes just by observing their actions and seeing what the outcome was. 

I have also done a lot of reading. I have uncovered that my cohort of parents (and by that I'll clarify that this is Pakeha, 'middle class' parents) seem to be under an enormous amount of pressure to be all things to all people. Amazing career (or, given the current market, even just working in a job with sufficient remuneration to ensure a roof over your head) attendance at all school events, an Instagram worthy house, swimming/soccer/gymnastics/cheerleading/piano lessons/dancing/athletics/art lessons for the children. What there doesn't appear to be time or permission for is time for ourselves. To be denying time to ourselves is the ultimate sacrifice. Because, after all, that's what we are supposed to do. But what my reading is also revealing is that my cohort of parents are producing a generation of children who have an inflated sense of entitlement and self absorption.

I contrast this way of life with some of the wonderful women I have worked with. On minimum wage, they are sole parents. They live and work in their community, and are loved by all. They have lovely children who are smart and kind. They make sure their kids have food on the table, that they have their school uniforms, and that they can get to school. Beyond that, the kids take responsibility for themselves. Want to play netball? Catch the bus there. Want to go to the movies? Get a job and pay for it yourself. Smart, kind, respectful kids. They are the kind of kids we want in our lives.

A while ago I negotiated some different contact time for my two older boys. I was trying to gain some precious one-on-one time with teenagers I saw infrequently through no choice of my own, and said that this was a good opportunity for relationship building. I was told that if I wanted to 'build relationships' I should go to all their football games, because that's what they want.

Is that what love is? Just doing what someone wants? Watching someone perform?

My experience in the last few years has been that love is often holding space. Its listening. Its sharing a meal. Its a discussion about politics. Its participating together in events in our community. It also can be standing your ground. Solving problems. Saying no. Creating boundaries. Sticking to your values.

When I was 16 years old, I entered a beauty pageant. My mother refused to come, standing by her principals that beauty pageants are objectifying to women. She dropped me off and came back later to pick me up.

I had no need for her to see me perform. I still never doubted her love for me. And many years later I've given more thought to the values she stood for and I'm glad she didn't put them aside for my vanity.

When I was older, I used to visit my Mum and sit on a barstool at the breakfast bar, drinking tea and talking about what was going on in the world. We've had some vigorous discussions about things we've disagreed on and she was always available to ask questions of and listen to me.

I don't need anyone else to define what my relationships should look like. I have the skills and the knowledge to define relationships for myself. 

I am learning not to let servitude replace love. I have learned to tell the difference. Sometimes service is an act of love, but the danger is when it replaces it.

I don't want my children to be entitled performers who think everything revolves around them. I want them to think about other people, think about why the world is how it is, think about solutions to problems. I want the relationships they see to be about mutual respect. I want the relationship I have with them to be about communication - listening, thinking and responding. I want them to learn how to be adults and do things for themselves and others, not have everything done for them.

Love might be shown by cooking a meal or doing the washing...or going to watch the odd football game. But its all the more powerful when the ones you love learn to make their own meal, do their own washing, or play football just because they love it, not because someone is watching. 

That is the gift of life.

Don't read the comments

Unless you've been living under a rock for the past few years, you'll know about the movie Frozen. You'll definitely know the song Let it Go, and if you have small people in your life, you'll know about the heroines of the story, Elsa and Ana, and how the twist in the plot was that true love with a handsome prince was not the happily ever after we thought we'd get.

Frozen is headed for an (inevitable) sequel, and the Twitterverse has gone nuts asking for Elsa (who seems to be the most popular of the two leads) to have a happy ever after with another woman with the hashtag #giveelsaagirlfriend.





And then it started.... The Comments.

"Oh God. Do we really need to shove that down the throats of kids?? That's far beyond the mind of a 7 year old. They're just watching the movie. That's a teen/tween concept. Let kids be kids and innocent.
I'll note that I'm not against gay or lesbian couples and have several friends who are."

"As much as the awareness is great. But I don't want my four years old seeing this kind of stuff just yet. He's to young. He thinks kissing on movies is gross so I'm guessing seeing two girls kissing even grosser."

"I have nothing against being gay but do we really need to throw it in our kids faces the world is already confusing enough for them with out making one of the biggest Disney characters of their time gay just to confuse them more."

This idea that we must protect children from normal human relationships is more indicative of 'confusion' amongst adults than children. I'm sure children are puzzled about a great many things in life. And usually they cease to be puzzled once they have some facts. So, Elsa has a girlfriend? Some women have another woman as a partner, not a man. Oh...ok.

But let's just dig a little deeper. What is everyone afraid of, really? Comments about kids keeping their 'innocence' in the face of a bit of benign Disney romance suggests people have fears about something else.

If I think back to when I was 'tsk tsk'ing about the gays in my church youth group days, what was it I was really tsk tsking about?

The sex.

Yup. 

We even had a stupid little hand signal that symbolised that two penises or two vaginas didn't belong together.

I don't remember a discussion about the evils of deep intimacy.
I don't remember a discussion about how filthy it was to wrap yourself in the arms of the person who knew you better than anyone.
I don't remember a discussion about how gross it was to share every day with your best friend.

Because everyone has fetishised the sex. 

We have to keep the innocents safe from the sex.
We can't have kids thinking that anyone has sex...let alone gay people!

I don't think kids are confused. Kids just accept things that adults accept. Two girls are the lead couple in a Disney film. Whatever. They probably will only care what colour the dress is.

When it comes to confusion, I think that comes down to the adults. Adults are confused about what constitutes a relationship. Adults are confused about how being gay isn't just about who you are having sex with. Its about relationships. Its about love. Its about boring shit like picking curtains and taking out the rubbish. Its about sharing things that nobody else knows. Its about trusting that person with that.

The more kids know that you can do that with a man or a woman, the happier everyone will be. 

War...what is it good for?

Absolutely nothing.



You know...I've been angry. So angry. But anger stops me focusing on what's really important.

My ever-sensible and sensitive partner pointed out that while anger is a perfectly legitimate emotion to feel, that when it leads to destructive action, its probably time to take a step back. A grown up time-out. Think about whether the action that anger led me to was wise. Will it result in enhanced relationships? Will it help us all move forward?

So, as much as one can on the internet, I take it back.

Raging and pushing against the waves just wears you out.

Sometimes its best to just float along with the current. Maybe it will take you to the shore.