I climb up on the first step of my smallest son's bunk ladder and give him a big hug and kiss before I turn the light out and wish him a good nights sleep, along with a 'Love you' and a kiss blown from the door.
The other night I said - for no particular reason, and in a contemplative fashion - "You know...my Mum never ever told me she loved me. But I always knew she did." "Really?" he said, incredulously. "Really," I said. "People say they love you in lots of ways. With things like cooking you dinner or making sure your clothes get washed." He smiled.
When I left my marriage I was totally burned out by parenting. All the social messages I received about mothering were about constant attentiveness, always being actively engaged, always listening. But contrary to this, I found myself withdrawing more and feeling resentful and restless.
Over the last few years, I have found my parenting style challenged by other people. Sometimes directly, sometimes just by observing their actions and seeing what the outcome was.
I have also done a lot of reading. I have uncovered that my cohort of parents (and by that I'll clarify that this is Pakeha, 'middle class' parents) seem to be under an enormous amount of pressure to be all things to all people. Amazing career (or, given the current market, even just working in a job with sufficient remuneration to ensure a roof over your head) attendance at all school events, an Instagram worthy house, swimming/soccer/gymnastics/cheerleading/piano lessons/dancing/athletics/art lessons for the children. What there doesn't appear to be time or permission for is time for ourselves. To be denying time to ourselves is the ultimate sacrifice. Because, after all, that's what we are supposed to do. But what my reading is also revealing is that my cohort of parents are producing a generation of children who have an inflated sense of entitlement and self absorption.
I contrast this way of life with some of the wonderful women I have worked with. On minimum wage, they are sole parents. They live and work in their community, and are loved by all. They have lovely children who are smart and kind. They make sure their kids have food on the table, that they have their school uniforms, and that they can get to school. Beyond that, the kids take responsibility for themselves. Want to play netball? Catch the bus there. Want to go to the movies? Get a job and pay for it yourself. Smart, kind, respectful kids. They are the kind of kids we want in our lives.
A while ago I negotiated some different contact time for my two older boys. I was trying to gain some precious one-on-one time with teenagers I saw infrequently through no choice of my own, and said that this was a good opportunity for relationship building. I was told that if I wanted to 'build relationships' I should go to all their football games, because that's what they want.
Is that what love is? Just doing what someone wants? Watching someone perform?
My experience in the last few years has been that love is often holding space. Its listening. Its sharing a meal. Its a discussion about politics. Its participating together in events in our community. It also can be standing your ground. Solving problems. Saying no. Creating boundaries. Sticking to your values.
When I was 16 years old, I entered a beauty pageant. My mother refused to come, standing by her principals that beauty pageants are objectifying to women. She dropped me off and came back later to pick me up.
I had no need for her to see me perform. I still never doubted her love for me. And many years later I've given more thought to the values she stood for and I'm glad she didn't put them aside for my vanity.
When I was older, I used to visit my Mum and sit on a barstool at the breakfast bar, drinking tea and talking about what was going on in the world. We've had some vigorous discussions about things we've disagreed on and she was always available to ask questions of and listen to me.
I don't need anyone else to define what my relationships should look like. I have the skills and the knowledge to define relationships for myself.
I am learning not to let servitude replace love. I have learned to tell the difference. Sometimes service is an act of love, but the danger is when it replaces it.
I don't want my children to be entitled performers who think everything revolves around them. I want them to think about other people, think about why the world is how it is, think about solutions to problems. I want the relationships they see to be about mutual respect. I want the relationship I have with them to be about communication - listening, thinking and responding. I want them to learn how to be adults and do things for themselves and others, not have everything done for them.
Love might be shown by cooking a meal or doing the washing...or going to watch the odd football game. But its all the more powerful when the ones you love learn to make their own meal, do their own washing, or play football just because they love it, not because someone is watching.
That is the gift of life.
