New lenses

"Actually, the cheerleading sequences are one of the few things I don’t like about the film, since lesbians are far more likely to fall in love with a girl’s stray curl or delicate cheekbones than FULL-ON TITS."

This was a in a review for an old, very camp but by all accounts amusing, iconic lesbian film. This statement was affirmed in the comments section of the review,  and it was somewhat of an epiphany for me.

In figuring out if I was attracted to women, I was asking from the point of view of attractiveness as it is presented to us for MALE consumption.

I struggled with understanding the concept of sexual attraction. 

We receive lots of messages that a sexy woman equals instant arousal in a man. This is a sexist idea, really, suggesting that men are at the mercy of their erections. This moves from being unfair to being downright dangerous in the context of rape culture... that women need to guard their behaviour and and appearance because of the lack of self control of men. But I digress.

I didn't feel any kind of rumbling in my nethers for either gender, so I was confused. But when I think about all sorts of scenarios from my past, and tie it to the concept in the above quote? Then maybe I've been in love dozens of times. And that might be with an aspect of a woman's appearance, or might be her sense of humour, it might be her intelligence. It doesn't mean I instantly feel aroused and want to jump into bed with them.

And that was certainly the case with Nyah. When I reflect on the last few years, I have always been interested in her. Memories of our brief exchanges at our workplace have stuck with me in remarkable detail. And what drew us together originally was good old fashioned chemistry along with the enjoyment of intelligent conversation,  shared values and mutual understanding of some our life experiences. I didn't look at her boobs and go "Whoar!"

That said, I experience physical desire for her that I do not remember experiencing since I was a teenager. And that wasn't and isn't about arousal. It is about a desire for physical closeness and intimacy.

And that, I suppose, is the key.

Boobs are awesome, but the heart, soul and mind are where beauty resides and true love blossoms. 

For me, to look for that in a man seems foreign.

The heart, soul, mind...and body...of a woman is where I feel at home.