As if my ANZAC Day couldn't get any more strange, this was also the day that I finally received the letter from the Coroner which outlined her inquiry into Mum's death.
This was the closing piece of documention to 'her case' and lays out to the best of anyone's knowledge, what really happened. Its gives us something to have put on a death certificate. Its case closed.
At Mum's funeral I talked about her carrying out 'rational suicide' - consciously making the decision to end her life because a future of ageing was too difficult for her to face.
My therapist has pointed out that suicidality is not a moment of psychosis or insanity. It is a decision someone makes consciously. But the reasons for the decision are not always rational. So perhaps I was only half right.
However, with the arrival of this letter, it became apparent that Mum's suicide was not the result of rational thought processes and the romantic notion of departing this world at a time of her choosing.
The coroner's letter brought into focus the bits and pieces of evidence, of belief, of writing and correspondence,we had found, and had thought - into one final conclusion.
The letter answers as many questions as it can, based on interviews with various people who saw Mum leading up to her death. Whatever is left will remain a mystery forever.
The final picture isn't one of noble rationalism but of stress - distress - and depression.
Maybe we always knew it was true, but the illusion was easier to live with. But illusions are like drugs - they'll make you feel good for a while, but eventually you have to work through the truth.
The revelation that Mum was, in all likelihood, depressed and suicidal in the weeks leading up to her death is like a knawing ache in the bottom of my chest. It inevitable that we should wonder what we could have done. Its sad to think that she took so much trouble to die because she may have seen it as the only way to escape the crushing negative feelings she was experiencing.
I don't feel overly upset, or angry, or even consumed by the 'what ifs?' But I am a master of denial...so maybe that is an illusion too.......
Please, please, please...if you or someone you know is experiencing suicidal thoughts, seek help...
Lifeline 0800 5222999
Helping young people with depression http://www.thelowdown.co.nz/
Helping young people with depression http://www.thelowdown.co.nz/
Local DHB crisis support http://www.mentalhealth.org.nz/page/303-In-Crisis
it's a hard thing to face, and you are facing it as best as anyone could. Thank you for sharing with us; it's very helpful. x
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